Feelings

Once, I had a friend who continually forgot his wife's anniversary and birthday. I was still young enough to think she would want me to quietly remind him so he would do something. And one year, after reminding him, he bought her a scratch ticket. That was the last time I reminded him. But it stuck with me, this cluelessness. What is it with men and remembering, and being thoughtful, and not even feeling particularly contrite? Moreover, why are "sorry" and "thanks" so difficult for some men to utter?

Books have been written about the Mars/Venus quality of the man-woman relationship. Ya, I get it. I get the communications thing, where they are problem solvers, while we are comforted by just venting. Yet, some men ARE better about these things than others. That said, the sentimentality and importance women attach to certain meaningful dates and holidays may be considered aberrant by guys. After all, who buys the cards and gifts, bakes the cakes and throws the parties for most families? Not the man, for the most part. Ok, not EVER.

Some suggest maybe the effort of finding just the right gift has become too difficult in this time of prosperity. Most people find a way to buy whatever they really fancy, not needing to wait for holidays. It is true that I have about dispaired at buying for the dozen and a half youngsters on my Chistmas list, knowing how much they already have, how anxious their parents are to provide the top ten items on each kids wish list, and how short the time is before the novelty is gone and the gift cast aside. And all the affordable stuff is too mundane for the adults, and the expensive stuff is... well... too expensive.

I believe also that it is frustrating to buy something for someone we love only to find out it misses the mark by a small but significant percent. Our desires are so specific these days. We don't want a digital camera, we want a "Canon EOS Digital Rebel XT." With enough specifications, the pleasure of choosing a gift for someone becomes a problem. The cashmere sweater also needs to be 1) mauve, 2) cardigan, 3) flat buttons, not pearl with 4) set-in sleeves not raglan, and of course, 5) no shoulder pads. Suddenly your visit to the Mall transforms into an exercize in haystack diving!

So men have some grounds for frustration. But the scratch ticket alluded to above represents the other part. They don't GET that thoughtfulness gets more points than anything else. It borders on perverse, when they buy the first thing that they come across. "Easy for me" is THEIR first priority. And it usually shows.

Then comes the question of the things that become a Mexican standoff in a marriage. The "you can't make me because I think it is silly, even if you don't." For me, personally, gifts on holidays and birthday are a report card. Not getting one at all after sitting through a semester of classes and doing the assigned work feels worse than failing the class. At least an F shows you exist.

As a result there is considerable "sturm und drang" around here, half a dozen times a year. From Valentines Day through Christmas I see the occasions coming, and try to prepare against them. Sometimes I take a cue, and likewise ignore them, so as not to feel piqued when there is no exchange of flowery cards. Sometimes I pointedly do all the things.. just to show they matter. I celebrated his birthday until several years ago when I threw in the towel, and it genuinely didn't bother him one bit.

Bottom line, does anyone else have this happen, and what ways have you found to live with it?